Sarah - Loss of a Child
Hi, my name is Sarah and I'm 24.
I was born in Pocatello Idaho, but only lived their for 2 months and I grew up moving all over the west coast because my dad was a firefighter chief. I loved it. I've been married for 7 years, we got married 1 month after I turned 18 and we have 3 children.
My first baby was so easy. We got pregnant really fast, I was never sick, I was super healthy, I could have run a marathon it went so well. So the first pregnancy was great....but he was a horrible baby. He never slept, it was so hard, and finally after 2 years we wanted a sibling for our son. We got pregnant really fast, and we were so excited!
My husband is a firefighter and was taking an EMT class at night. One night I was having a lot of back pains, I now know they were labor pains, but I didn't know at the time. I called the nurse and they sounded super concerned until they found out I was just 19 weeks and 6 days. They told me that if I wasn't 20 week pregnant they couldn't do anything. I got off the phone and went to go to the bathroom and half of the Amniotic sac just came out and I just started screaming. Like what do you do? Do you push it out? Push it in?
All I kept wondering is "Is my baby OK?!"
We were living in my parent basement at the time and my dad was a paramedic and my dad and husband came downstairs and saw me. My dad just looked at me and that's when I knew that that this baby wasn't going to make it.
A few hours later he was born stillborn. He was 8oz and could fit in your hand. As the mom of this baby it was devastating. To see your baby and know that you can't take him home and raise him, it was heartbreaking.
But from a medical standpoint it was incredible. He had his fingers, finger nails, ears, nose, and a dimple chin like my husband at only 20 weeks! People are having abortions at 20 weeks and saying that they aren't a real person and I am telling you they are human and they are so formed. It was incredible.
I went through a season of depression, but I was hopeful and I knew that we could get through this.
About 4 months later we got pregnant again and I was now deemed high
risk because of the last pregnancy. We went to Dr. appointments every
week to check the heartbeat and make sure that everything was OK.We were living in my parent basement at the time and my dad was a paramedic and my dad and husband came downstairs and saw me. My dad just looked at me and that's when I knew that that this baby wasn't going to make it.
A few hours later he was born stillborn. He was 8oz and could fit in your hand. As the mom of this baby it was devastating. To see your baby and know that you can't take him home and raise him, it was heartbreaking.
But from a medical standpoint it was incredible. He had his fingers, finger nails, ears, nose, and a dimple chin like my husband at only 20 weeks! People are having abortions at 20 weeks and saying that they aren't a real person and I am telling you they are human and they are so formed. It was incredible.
I went through a season of depression, but I was hopeful and I knew that we could get through this.
At 15 weeks we went in for an ultrasound to check on the baby and they told me that it was a girl. I bawled because I was so excited! I could go buy dresses and cute girl things!
And then the nurse said "I wish I was telling any other couple this, I don't want to tell this to you, but there is a problem with the baby." My heart sank and I started to cry.
She then went on to tell us that our baby had a single artery
umbilical. When there is only 1 artery in the umbilical it means less
oxygen, but they can live normal lives without any brain dead or
anything. However, it's almost always a precursor to a bigger problem.
Our baby had a diaphragm hernia. It's where your diaphragm had a hole
in it, and that this hole was allowing her organs to move into her chest
cavity and preventing her lungs to develop. As soon as the baby would
be born she'd suffocate if her lungs weren't developed enough.
I think I just blacked out after that.
All I could think of is that we just had a baby die, and we just found out we were having a girl, she needs to live!
She said that most couples when they find this out choose to abort because there is only a 50% chance that the baby will live after they are born. Some babies can have surgery right after they are born and live a wonderful life and some don't make it.
Best case scenario our girl will be born, have the surgery and live a great life.
Worst case scenario, I'd go into labor, be life flighted to the hospital, she would be born and put on a ventilator and we'd have to decide when to pull the plug on our own baby.
Who wants to think about that?
We had already started setting up the nursery with a crib, we had already told our son and everyone that we were pregnant. And then we came home from the doctors and had to talk about what we were going to do.
I grew up LDS and believed in God. I never struggled believing or having faith. But after this I realized my belief wasn't deep enough.
Months went by and I just carried this sick baby. I was so bitter.
She was beautiful! She was pink with brown curly hair. I was so excited! She looked so healthy and couldn't wait to take her home!
2 minutes later the Dr came in and just hung her head and told us that Charlotte wasn't going to make it. I started bawling. I just saw a picture of her and she looked so healthy! How could she not make it?
They told us that they had put her on a ventilator and that's when I realized the worst case scenario just happened to us and we would have to decide when to take her off.
They rolled my whole bed into the NICU and we took turns holding her, kissing her and loving her.
Her body started deteriorating because her organs were shutting down and we decided to take her off the ventilator.
She died within a minute, living for a total of 9 hours and 29 minutes.
I had lost so much blood I had to stay at the hospital for a week. That hospital does a great job, they have a whole wing for mothers who lost their babies so they don't have to be in the same wing and hear babies crying and hear how happy they are. There was only one other lady in the wing with me and we both just sobbed the whole week. It was so sad. I just remember hearing her weep and thinking "I understand."
When it was time I rolled out of the hospital with no baby, just Get Well cards and flowers. I watched all these other moms holding their sweet babies.
We had to go home and tell everyone that she passed away. We held a funeral for her and she's buried next to her brother.
This year it will be 2 years since Charlotte passed. The first year was so hard. I felt so worthless.
As a woman you're supposed to have babies and help them survive and I had just lost 2 babies. I was in a horrible place, I don't even have the words to describe the pain I felt that first year.
We stopped going to church for awhile because I couldn't bare being around all these babies and talk about families. It hurt too much.
One year after Charlotte had died the doctors had all the results from her autopsy so we went to meet with them to find out what had happened to our girl.
At the autopsy appointment they said that Charlotte had 9 things that individually would have killed any baby.
She had a rare disorder that only 200 people in the world have ever been diagnosed with. Her brain was bleeding, her heart had a defect and had wrapped around her vocal cords, she had a missing set of ribs, she was blind, she couldn't hear or speak, she had muscle atrophy and wouldn't have been able to move. She would have lived in a wheel chair not being able to see, hear, speak or move.
When we walked out of the autopsy room I felt a huge weight lifted off of me and that's when I knew that God knew me.
He knew me because He could have given her one illness and I would have fought it because I'm so stubborn. I would say "I can live with her like this, I will accept her!" But to have all of these problems and know that I couldn't have saved her it helped.
I feel like I had to go through that first year of pain and bitterness which is a horrible way to live by the way. But I feel like I had to go through that year to find my belief in God, find happiness and be truly converted.
I feel like 2 years later I am just now finding happiness again. I miss her all the time, but I know I can smile, I can laugh, I can be happy for my friends who have babies and not be bitter. I know that Jesus died for us, and I know I'll see my 2 babies again.
I think I just blacked out after that.
All I could think of is that we just had a baby die, and we just found out we were having a girl, she needs to live!
She said that most couples when they find this out choose to abort because there is only a 50% chance that the baby will live after they are born. Some babies can have surgery right after they are born and live a wonderful life and some don't make it.
Best case scenario our girl will be born, have the surgery and live a great life.
Worst case scenario, I'd go into labor, be life flighted to the hospital, she would be born and put on a ventilator and we'd have to decide when to pull the plug on our own baby.
Who wants to think about that?
We had already started setting up the nursery with a crib, we had already told our son and everyone that we were pregnant. And then we came home from the doctors and had to talk about what we were going to do.
I grew up LDS and believed in God. I never struggled believing or having faith. But after this I realized my belief wasn't deep enough.
Months went by and I just carried this sick baby. I was so bitter.
When you're pregnant everyone comes up to you asks questions like "When
are you due? What's the gender? How many kids do you have?" I couldn't
bring myself to answer. Like what do you say? I'm carrying a baby
that is going to pass away soon.
There were a few times where I was hopeful and I would buy a dress or an outfit. I would think to myself "God knows me and He wouldn't do this to me again."
In June she stopped moving as much so I went in to the Dr to make sure she was OK, and they said yes and sent me home. The next day she still wasn't moving so I went back and they sent me home again and told me that she was fine. The 3rd day she still wasn't moving so I went in again and they looked at me and told me "She's dying."
The life flight team came and told me to get dressed in a robe before we boarded up. I went to the bathroom and I just remember begging God to let me keep her. I cried "I need this girl! I promise we'll read scriptures every night if you leave her with me!" I was praying and begging so hard.
When
they did the C-section they couldn't get her out because she was limp
and already brain dead so they had to cut me in several spots to get her
out. I woke up 10 minutes later and my husband came and showed me a
picture of Charlotte. There were a few times where I was hopeful and I would buy a dress or an outfit. I would think to myself "God knows me and He wouldn't do this to me again."
In June she stopped moving as much so I went in to the Dr to make sure she was OK, and they said yes and sent me home. The next day she still wasn't moving so I went back and they sent me home again and told me that she was fine. The 3rd day she still wasn't moving so I went in again and they looked at me and told me "She's dying."
The life flight team came and told me to get dressed in a robe before we boarded up. I went to the bathroom and I just remember begging God to let me keep her. I cried "I need this girl! I promise we'll read scriptures every night if you leave her with me!" I was praying and begging so hard.
I was life
flighted to the hospital and it was like a movie. Everything happened
so fast! When we landed they ran me out on a gurney into the hospital,
we ran into a police officer in the hall they were going so fast. The
Doctors were all screaming, I was trying to not panic.
A doctor came up to me with some papers and said "Honey once you sign this paper saying we can take the baby out things are going to get really scary. You can wait for your husband but if you do you're baby isn't' going to make it." I signed those papers so fast, I just wanted my baby girl safe.
As soon as I signed 30 doctors came in all dressed, strapped me down, ripped my gown up and covered me with iodine.
I remember just laying there and asking "you are going to put me to sleep right?!" And a doctor came and grabbed my head and said "Sarah we're going to put you to sleep but we don't have enough time to medicate you." I remember them calling out the blade sizes and that's when I started freaking out and telling them they needed to put me down now! An old lady came and put her hand on my shoulder and said "You got this, everything is going to be okay." And then I blacked out.
A doctor came up to me with some papers and said "Honey once you sign this paper saying we can take the baby out things are going to get really scary. You can wait for your husband but if you do you're baby isn't' going to make it." I signed those papers so fast, I just wanted my baby girl safe.
As soon as I signed 30 doctors came in all dressed, strapped me down, ripped my gown up and covered me with iodine.
I remember just laying there and asking "you are going to put me to sleep right?!" And a doctor came and grabbed my head and said "Sarah we're going to put you to sleep but we don't have enough time to medicate you." I remember them calling out the blade sizes and that's when I started freaking out and telling them they needed to put me down now! An old lady came and put her hand on my shoulder and said "You got this, everything is going to be okay." And then I blacked out.
She was beautiful! She was pink with brown curly hair. I was so excited! She looked so healthy and couldn't wait to take her home!
2 minutes later the Dr came in and just hung her head and told us that Charlotte wasn't going to make it. I started bawling. I just saw a picture of her and she looked so healthy! How could she not make it?
They told us that they had put her on a ventilator and that's when I realized the worst case scenario just happened to us and we would have to decide when to take her off.
Her body started deteriorating because her organs were shutting down and we decided to take her off the ventilator.
She died within a minute, living for a total of 9 hours and 29 minutes.
I had lost so much blood I had to stay at the hospital for a week. That hospital does a great job, they have a whole wing for mothers who lost their babies so they don't have to be in the same wing and hear babies crying and hear how happy they are. There was only one other lady in the wing with me and we both just sobbed the whole week. It was so sad. I just remember hearing her weep and thinking "I understand."
When it was time I rolled out of the hospital with no baby, just Get Well cards and flowers. I watched all these other moms holding their sweet babies.
We had to go home and tell everyone that she passed away. We held a funeral for her and she's buried next to her brother.
This year it will be 2 years since Charlotte passed. The first year was so hard. I felt so worthless.
As a woman you're supposed to have babies and help them survive and I had just lost 2 babies. I was in a horrible place, I don't even have the words to describe the pain I felt that first year.
We stopped going to church for awhile because I couldn't bare being around all these babies and talk about families. It hurt too much.
One year after Charlotte had died the doctors had all the results from her autopsy so we went to meet with them to find out what had happened to our girl.
She had a rare disorder that only 200 people in the world have ever been diagnosed with. Her brain was bleeding, her heart had a defect and had wrapped around her vocal cords, she had a missing set of ribs, she was blind, she couldn't hear or speak, she had muscle atrophy and wouldn't have been able to move. She would have lived in a wheel chair not being able to see, hear, speak or move.
When we walked out of the autopsy room I felt a huge weight lifted off of me and that's when I knew that God knew me.
He knew me because He could have given her one illness and I would have fought it because I'm so stubborn. I would say "I can live with her like this, I will accept her!" But to have all of these problems and know that I couldn't have saved her it helped.
I feel like I had to go through that first year of pain and bitterness which is a horrible way to live by the way. But I feel like I had to go through that year to find my belief in God, find happiness and be truly converted.
I feel like 2 years later I am just now finding happiness again. I miss her all the time, but I know I can smile, I can laugh, I can be happy for my friends who have babies and not be bitter. I know that Jesus died for us, and I know I'll see my 2 babies again.
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