Stephanie - Postpartum Depression
Alexia Wardell and I talked a lot about how sometimes when we go through a difficult experience in life, it feels like there is no one in the world who understands what we are going through. Have you ever felt like that, or is it just us? We wanted to create a group where women could share their stories to 1. uplift other women who are going through the same experience and 2. inspire women to have faith in Jesus and be strong.
Today I'm going to share one of my many stories. This has been so hard
for me! I've been trying to write this post for 2 weeks now and I've
struggled.
I'm an abstract thinker which means my emotions are connected to pictures and images instead of words. It's very difficult for me to express in words how I feel, especially regarding this topic.
In order to help me tell my story,I took some photos that I hope can help me express all my feelings and thoughts with you lovely women today.
My husband and I found out we were expecting our first child and everything was great!
I seriously had the easiest pregnancy in the world. I worked full time at my job, and left for my Maternity leave on my due date and she was born 2 days later.
She was an adorable 9lb 2 oz healthy baby.
No one had told me about postpartum depression. I had no idea what signs to look for or what to expect after giving birth.
I began to stay indoors, not reach out to people or talk with my friends. And for those of you who knew me pre baby knows that that's NOT me. I'm one of the most social, happy people ever! But I found myself becoming more and more depressed.
When Brooklyn was 4 months old we moved out to California for 3 months for my husbands internship. The company he worked for put us in a cute apartment on the second floor with a balcony that overlooked a beautiful garden with a fountain. I'd take Brooklyn out on the balcony a lot and watch the birds fly around and take baths in the fountain. We loved it.
I'm an abstract thinker which means my emotions are connected to pictures and images instead of words. It's very difficult for me to express in words how I feel, especially regarding this topic.
In order to help me tell my story,I took some photos that I hope can help me express all my feelings and thoughts with you lovely women today.
My husband and I found out we were expecting our first child and everything was great!
I seriously had the easiest pregnancy in the world. I worked full time at my job, and left for my Maternity leave on my due date and she was born 2 days later.
She was an adorable 9lb 2 oz healthy baby.
No one had told me about postpartum depression. I had no idea what signs to look for or what to expect after giving birth.
I began to stay indoors, not reach out to people or talk with my friends. And for those of you who knew me pre baby knows that that's NOT me. I'm one of the most social, happy people ever! But I found myself becoming more and more depressed.
When Brooklyn was 4 months old we moved out to California for 3 months for my husbands internship. The company he worked for put us in a cute apartment on the second floor with a balcony that overlooked a beautiful garden with a fountain. I'd take Brooklyn out on the balcony a lot and watch the birds fly around and take baths in the fountain. We loved it.
One day I walked out with Brooklyn and I remember having the thoughts
to just throw her over the balcony. The thought scared me so bad I ran
inside, set Brooklyn in her crib, and sat on the floor and cried. I
don't know how long I was on the floor crying but it felt like forever.
8 months ago I drew a picture of a mother holding her precious newborn baby with black surrounding the mother. I was struggling with postpartum depression really bad, and as I watched my beautiful baby girl lay next to me this image came to mind and I began to draw it.
As I struggled to write this story I knew I needed to photograph the picture I drew 8 months ago. While I edited this photo to look like my drawing I couldn't keep back the tears. Even now as I'm writing this, I can't help but cry.
Thankfully after many payers I have found a product 1 year ago that helps me be my normal happy self. But whenever I forget to take it or run out....I'm right back in the darkness.
During these years I've learned a few things.
1. There is no such thing as a perfect mom.
Everyone has their own struggles and strengths. Everyone is fighting their own demons and has different gifts from God. So don't judge and don't compare yourself. (I'm still working on not comparing myself....it's not easy!)
2. Even when life is hard I can still find joy.
Even in the darkest of hours I found something to smile about. Like watching my daughter blow bubbles in her snot, or my son pretending that every object he can hold is a sword. No matter how tiny it is, hold on to those happy moments.
3. Reach out for help.
If you need help, ask. If you're asked or notice someone in need, then be awesome and help. This lesson I feel like I struggle with the most. I feel like I should be Wonder Woman and asking for help.....isn't that easy. But for reals, the world is fully of wonderful people who are ready and willing to help you and it's always been a wonderful experience whenever I've had the courage to ask for help.
8 months ago I drew a picture of a mother holding her precious newborn baby with black surrounding the mother. I was struggling with postpartum depression really bad, and as I watched my beautiful baby girl lay next to me this image came to mind and I began to draw it.
As I struggled to write this story I knew I needed to photograph the picture I drew 8 months ago. While I edited this photo to look like my drawing I couldn't keep back the tears. Even now as I'm writing this, I can't help but cry.
To me this image expresses everything I feel with postpartum depression.
3 1/2 years ago as I held my sweet, heaven sent daughter, I felt like my mind and my body had become paralyzed by darkness. I felt unable to love this precious gift the way I thought I should be loving her. I became numb to her cries, numb to the world. Sometimes at night when she would wake up, I would rock her to sleep with tears running down my face. As I would lay her down in her crib I would usually whisper "I'm so sorry Brooklyn. I'll try to be a better mom tomorrow." I felt like a horrible mother, I felt sad all the time and I felt very alone.
As the days passed my depression got worse and worse.
I was so scared to tell anyone what was going on because I felt like I was going crazy and I thought if I told anyone I would have my baby taken from me.
I had postpartum all throughout my second pregnancy. I hated who I was becoming. I was depressed and sad all the time. I forced myself to get out of the house and take Brooklyn on walks and to the park.
I felt so guilty all the time. I felt like a horrible mom and I knew that my depression was having an effect on my daughter. Even though she was only 15 months old at the time she would look at me and watch me as I battled my own thoughts and feelings. I felt so much love and strength from her, she helped me more then she'll ever know.
But it didn't.
I did however start to grow really close to my Savior Jesus Christ.
My 3rd child is now 1 years old and I still have postpartum depression. It's been 3 years 10 months and still going.3 1/2 years ago as I held my sweet, heaven sent daughter, I felt like my mind and my body had become paralyzed by darkness. I felt unable to love this precious gift the way I thought I should be loving her. I became numb to her cries, numb to the world. Sometimes at night when she would wake up, I would rock her to sleep with tears running down my face. As I would lay her down in her crib I would usually whisper "I'm so sorry Brooklyn. I'll try to be a better mom tomorrow." I felt like a horrible mother, I felt sad all the time and I felt very alone.
As the days passed my depression got worse and worse.
I was so scared to tell anyone what was going on because I felt like I was going crazy and I thought if I told anyone I would have my baby taken from me.
I had postpartum all throughout my second pregnancy. I hated who I was becoming. I was depressed and sad all the time. I forced myself to get out of the house and take Brooklyn on walks and to the park.
I felt so guilty all the time. I felt like a horrible mom and I knew that my depression was having an effect on my daughter. Even though she was only 15 months old at the time she would look at me and watch me as I battled my own thoughts and feelings. I felt so much love and strength from her, she helped me more then she'll ever know.
About 1 week before my son was born my Dr. asked if I had been
struggling with depression. I nervously answered "yes" and the next
words out of his mouth shocked me. "ok cool, that's normal. It's call
postpartum depression."
WHAT?! It's normal? It had a name?!
I
wish I could tell you that after I found out what it was called that my
depression went away and I lived happily ever after with my children
and husband.WHAT?! It's normal? It had a name?!
But it didn't.
I did however start to grow really close to my Savior Jesus Christ.
As the depression was surround me I would pray for strength and comfort
and the depression wouldn't seem as dark. When I felt myself feel like
an inadequate mother I would pray for my children and they would find
happiness in little things and have a great day.
I knew these were little miracles for God and I am so grateful for them.
I knew these were little miracles for God and I am so grateful for them.
Thankfully after many payers I have found a product 1 year ago that helps me be my normal happy self. But whenever I forget to take it or run out....I'm right back in the darkness.
During these years I've learned a few things.
1. There is no such thing as a perfect mom.
Everyone has their own struggles and strengths. Everyone is fighting their own demons and has different gifts from God. So don't judge and don't compare yourself. (I'm still working on not comparing myself....it's not easy!)
2. Even when life is hard I can still find joy.
Even in the darkest of hours I found something to smile about. Like watching my daughter blow bubbles in her snot, or my son pretending that every object he can hold is a sword. No matter how tiny it is, hold on to those happy moments.
3. Reach out for help.
If you need help, ask. If you're asked or notice someone in need, then be awesome and help. This lesson I feel like I struggle with the most. I feel like I should be Wonder Woman and asking for help.....isn't that easy. But for reals, the world is fully of wonderful people who are ready and willing to help you and it's always been a wonderful experience whenever I've had the courage to ask for help.
4. God loves everyone of us.
I've never felt so much love from my God as I have through these years. I've felt His strength, His love and His peace. I fully believe that God is totally freaking out about how awesome we are and is there for us every step of way. I mean hello, we are His daughters!
I've never felt so much love from my God as I have through these years. I've felt His strength, His love and His peace. I fully believe that God is totally freaking out about how awesome we are and is there for us every step of way. I mean hello, we are His daughters!
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