Lala - Life After Death

In 2013 we, my husband Josh and I, decided to move to Utah. Our 3rd child was about to turn 2 years old and we decided we were ready for another baby. This was the first child we tried and were planning to having, the other 3 just came. At this time we had 1 son and 2 daughters.

We found out we were expecting in August and we were all so excited to have this baby!

One day we were at the store I asked my oldest son Gabriel if he needed anything and he said "just a brother." ...... Okay we aren't going to be getting that at Walmart.

A few months passed and we went to the ultrasound room to find out the gender of the baby. The nurse said "It's a girl!"

Gabriel yelled at her "I wanted a brother!"

He was so mad for the longest time.

 One night we ended up watching West Side Story and when the movie got to the part where they sing the Maria song, my kids decided the baby's name was Maria. I was so mad. I didn't want her name to be Maria at all!

I fought it, but soon all of our friends were calling her Maria so I gave up on changing her name.

We loved Maria so much right from the beginning. We would love her and cuddle her, which was a little awkward because she was still in me, so everyone was talking to my belly. But we just loved her so much!

We already planned everything we wanted to do with her. My daughters already planned what they wanted to teach Maria and Gabriel finally decided it was ok to have another sister. We were all so happy.

Then one night my mom called me in the middle of the night and asked "Are you ok? Is something wrong? You need to take care of you and the baby!" She then told me she had a dream of Gabriel playing in a little grave. I thought that was so creepy! But my mom is a dreamer and always has dreams that end up coming true.

I never had any complications with the pregnancy. After the dream we thought maybe she might be different, but we knew we would love her no matter what.

 I've never done any maternity pictures except with Maria. I feel like this was a tender mercy because they are the only pictures I have of her alive.

My cousin had also given me a pair of star fish earings and I wore them my whole pregnancy and even during the maternity shoot. Those earrings mean a lot to me, they remind me of her.

The day after my due date we went in for a check up and the nurse went to listen for a heart beat. Usually as soon as the machine touches my stomach you can hear a heart beat, but this time it was silent.

My midwife went to go bring in the ultrasound machine and my heart dropped.

The ultrasound lady who we had seen us throughout the pregnancy, who is always talking and laughing, was just completely quiet this time.

I'm so lucky that my sister was with me because usually I go alone to these check ups.

When the midwife walked in with her head down and tears in her eyes and I knew.

I texted Josh, my husband, that they couldn't find the heartbeat, but I didn't tell him she was gone.

It wasn't until we were at the hospital an hour later and the midwife said "Baby is gone" that it finally registered to Josh that she was dead.

That was probably the saddest moment for me, seeing that it wasn't just my pain but it was his pain too. He loves our kids more than anything in this world. To watch him cry the hardest I have ever seen him cry, just broke my heart.

After that it was just a whirlwind.

Maria came and we got to spend some time with her.

I felt so guilty because she had been dead for a few days and I didn't know. I kept thinking 'I should have known!' But I didn't.

When she was born she was already deterriating so our kids didn't get to see her. The got to see her hands and feet but that was it. It wasn't until this year that we finally showed them her pictures.

We had her in the morning and went home that day.

I couldn't stand to be in our home so we went to an ice cream place and I looked really ugly. I had like bright blue shoes on, bright red pants, a huge overcoat, my hair was a mess and my eyes were red. I was a mess.

I walked in and I felt like everyone was staring at me. I thought "If only you knew. If only you knew I gave birth to a child this morning that I can't bring home you would look at me differently."

That taught me that you can't judge anyone based on how they look or act because you don't know what they are going through. You just have to love people.

 

The lesson I learned the most is that I am so loved.

All my life I have gone through depression and I had no idea. I didn't know you could have a great day and that was normal! I felt like my whole life I lived with foggy glasses and it took loosing a child to see that I can be happy and find peace.

So many people brought us stuff and I didn't realize how many people had lost a child until I lost my own. Four of my own neighbors came over and were like 'we lost a child too' and I was shocked! But I felt so loved and so supported.

It was like God was saying 'I love you and I remember you.'

Ever since then life has been amazing. I can see all the blessings in life now. I love being here.

Because she lost her life I've learned how to live mine.