Alexia - Motherhood

HI, My name is Alexia Wardell. I am one of the co- founders of Women Like Me and I wanted to share a part of my own story today. I have found in my 36 years we all actually have many stories to tell, many experiences that make up who we are. Some of these experiences are ready to be shared.. others.. need a little more time. The bottom line though, we, non of us, have just one story or one chapter to our lives. There are many stories to tell and today this is part of mine.

If you know me at all, you know most people call me Lexie or Lex. I was born in Nampa , Idaho and lived here for the first number of years in my life. There might have been a short stint in Utah somewhere in my early years. When I was sixteen we moved to Gilroy CA. I graduated from Gilroy, went directly to Ricks College ( now BYU-Idaho) and graduated from BYU-I with my associates in whatever… truth be told I have no idea what I was doing in College.. I had no direction.. which I will get to in just a minute. From BYU-I I moved to Salt Lake City with the intention of going to University of Utah. I loved living in Salt Lake City for that summer, it was during that time I decided to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was called to serve in the Montana Billings Mission and I can not think of a better place to have served! 

Upon returning from the mission field, I was hired to teach Kindergarten/First Grade at a private school in Gilroy. Shortly after I started teaching I started dating a long time friend ( a different story all together) and a year later we got married. We have four gorgeous children.. and I do mean gorgeous. I am the type of woman I would like to believe could admit it if her kids were a little on the homely side.. but no.. my kids are beautiful… and ENERGETIC.. like ADHD energetic.. and this is where the story begins….

In order to understand the point of my story, you have to have some background info. 

I mentioned before that I had no idea what I was doing in college, and that is the truth of it! I wanted to be there and I loved learning, but seriously, more than anything, I wanted to get married. To be perfectly honest it wasn’t even so much that I wanted to get married as I wanted to be a mother! 

I loved kids! I thought I would be an amazing mother! I remember once just prior to my 21th birthday I knelt down in prayer and said “ Lord, I will prepare to serve a mission if that is really what you want me to do, I will! But… wouldn’t I make an amazing wife and mother?!” 

I was dating someone I thought was pretty great at the time, I was young, I did well with kids, it didn’t matter that I couldn’t make up my mind as to which degree I needed to pursue because I was was positive that my calling in life was to be a stay at home mother! 

So imagine my surprise (and heartache) when the day came that my dreams were realized.. and I realized that I HATED being a stay at home mom. 

Not where you thought this was going to go was it? 

I wanted so badly to be a mom, it never occurred to me that I would want more in life than that, and being raised in a culture that believes motherhood is the highest calling in life.. I was unprepared for the guilt I would feel over wanting to work. As much as I love and loved on my babies.. I still hated being tied down at home with them all day long. I started to feel like a cook, a maid, an errand runner/taxi, I started to feel like my only contribution in life would be what I made for dinner, how clean I could keep my house, or if I could keep on top of the ever growing pile of laundry ( which I am a mediocre cook, a terrible house cleaner and the laundry never seems to end.. thus I felt defeated).

 In the midst of my struggle, I was determined to “get through this”. I didn’t want to be a disappointment. 

A disappointment to whom you may ask? That is a great question… I didn’t want to disappoint my own expectations.
  
Despite the fact that I was starting to despise being home all day with my kids, I didn’t actually want anyone else to raise my children. I wanted to be a good SAHM ( stay at home mom) and I wanted to love it. On top of that, I had a GROSS misunderstanding about who my Father in Heaven is and what he wanted from me! 

Yes, being a mom is one of the most important things we can do in this life.. but that isn’t what defines us! God made me who I was, with my faults, my talents, my insecurities and may strengths. I was afraid of disappointing Him. I was afraid that my desire for “more” meant that I couldn’t be satisfied with what God had blessed me with. I KNEW that there were many women who wanted nothing more than to stay at home with their children and could not.. how ungrateful of me to not be satisfied with the blessings I was given! To be completely honest, I was afraid of the perceived disapproval of the culture I grew up in.. I LOVE the gospel with all my heart, but people are still people, and sometimes we are a people who LOVE to point out when someone else isn’t doing something exactly “right” or at least that was my fear! That was the truth! With every child I bore, I felt like I was going a little more crazy! 

During all this emotional turmoil, I had taken up photography as a hobby, that hobby soon turned into a profession and one I found I was QUITE good at! I LOVED interacting with others, I loved what I could do for others! I seemed to have a talent at helping others see themselves in a better light! 

Despite the fact that I loved what I did so much I agonized over whether or not I should be working.. was I taking to much time from my family? It felt SO GOOD to be appreciated by the people I worked with, to be appreciated by other professionals who had praise for my talents. Even that brought guilt though… Was I seeking the praise of the world over my calling to raise wonderful, functional human beings who would contribute great things to this world?

So here I am, each day having this internal war within myself.

Hating myself for being “ungrateful” and feeling unfulfilled. Hating being stuck at home. Hating that I had a talent I felt I couldn’t use. Hating all the wonderful stories I would read of both other moms who wouldn’t trade staying at home to raise their children for anything, as well as hating the stories of the successful mothers who also worked and were successful. Hating every opinion offered to me, every lesson that talked about the joys of homemaking. 

There were other struggles going on in my life and my marriage (again, another story for another time), and with everything combined I just started hating my life. I hated that even though I loved working, it really was starting to effect how I interacted with my family. There were times where, in an effort to be more present with my kids, I started editing late at night. That worked for a while until I started to become so exhausted that I was no longer civil. 

As I began to pray about what to do, about where to find the balance I started to receive the impression that it was time to quite photography and focus on my family. That inspiration filled me with dread and to be honest, a bit of resentment. I didn’t want to go back to being just the maid. I didn’t understand why Heavenly Father would bless me with so many talents just to be hid up at home. I didn’t understand… a lot. I didn’t understand what Neal A. Maxwell meant when he said “ The true cost of discipleship would require us to be willing to give up the thing we want most.”… but I would come to understand.

I read an article recently in LDS Living that had a huge impact on me. This article wasn’t full of deep doctrine, but held one simple insight from the author. She spoke about how women in the church need to stop defining themselves by the role of mother. God made us, with all of our talents, for a reason. Being a mother doesn’t mean you hide yourself away from the world or hide your talents. How many times have we read the Parable of the Talents, how many times have we read about the judge who takes the one talent from the servant who hid his talent up and then gives that talent to the servant who multiplies his five into ten. The author talked about how when we feel a deep desire to do more, that is because God created us to do more. That article resonated with me! 

My role as a mother is an important one, and obviously one I wanted to uphold. As I mentioned, I felt strongly that I did not want anyone else raising my children, but I did feel a drive for more. The insight this author offered resonated with me. I did end up giving up photography for a time. I HATED it.. but I learned from that time that it wasn't the photographs that I missed, it was the people. I came to learn that one of my talents is helping others to see the beauty and divinity within themselves. One of my talents was offering strength to others when they were feeling weak. I never would have come to these realizations if I hadn’t let go and trusted that Heavenly Father knew my heart.

I would love to tell you that I have found perfect balance and harmony. That I am at peace with being a SAHM or that I am working and don’t feel the guilt. The truth is… I am still a work in progress. However there are a few things I can tell you.

1. I no longer work off of “should's”: My feelings are my feelings. My life is a unique one. What I can accomplish in this life and within my family and in the world are between me and my Father in Heaven and as soon as I let my expectations go of what I “should” be doing or feeling.. I can then take an honest look at what my reality is.

2. There is a time and season for all things. My Father in Heaven didn’t give me talents with the exception of never using them. I don’t feel a deep drive to do more in the world because I am ungrateful.. these things are God given feelings, gifts and talents… but there are seasons for everything. It is only through developing a relationship with God and our Savior that we can navigate those seasons successfully.

3. Motherhood is a a divine and exquisite calling, but it isn’t our only calling. I don’t want to leave you with the impression that I don’t love my family, I do! WITH ALL MY HEART!! I want to be there for them, I want to teach them, and help them be their best. I also know my limits. I have four ADHD kids ( five if you count my husband ;) ) and I am SO the opposite of them. I have come to realize that it wasn’t just work I was wanting, I needed something that was mine. Something that let me feel like a human being. Not every women feels this same way. I have a beautiful and wonderful friend who is such an amazing mother to her boys! She is fun, and kind, and does activities.. she devotes her life to them.. and she takes great joy from being a mom! Her talents are different than mine. That doesn’t make me a bad mom. God gave me MY kids for a reason.. knowing how I would feel and how badly I want to be a good mother to them.

My story doesn’t have an official ending. I can tell you by embracing the desire to do more but still making sure I am the best mother I can be, I have found new ways to give! To be honest, that is how Women Like ME came about. Two women who both felt driven to do more got together and asked “How”?… and a beautiful thing was born... with more to come! 

I still photograph at times. I also found another profession that allows me to work from home and be mom to my four awesome sauce kids with much less stress, but still allows me to feel like I am helping others see their potential! 

I have a testimony that God knows our hearts, and he knows our personalities. He knows how to help us become our very best selves. I don’t think I know me nearly as well as he does. My biggest fear in this life is that I will waste it. I know both my Father in Heaven and my elder Brother know that about me and they want me to become all that I am destined to be. I just have to listen to them. I have learned to love motherhood and my desire for more without feeling guilt. It took a long time, but through Savior all things are possible! We just have to trust!