Fawn - Abuse

My name is Fawn Fuhriman Baerwaldt.

This has been such a good experience for me, to think ponder on the good and the difficult time in my life and appreciate, again, my Heavenly Fathers plan and love for me.

My life is rich and good right now, but it hasn’t always been that way. 

I grew up just around here in Nampa Idaho, in a remarkable functional family. 

Despite being taught by righteous parent and having amazing examples in my life I made some poor choices as a young adult.

I was married to my high school boyfriend and had two little girls by the time I was 20 years old.
It wasn’t the ideal situation.

We were young and dumb, but we did the best we could it didn’t take long, however, for things to turn ugly.

Lexie was only two when her dad almost killed me, while she was watching and screaming on the couch. That was the day I started planning my escape.I packed all I could in two suitcases and I and my two babies went with my parents to visit my sister in bountiful.

Now, after two years of being beat up, I didn’t have much confidence and my self-worth was probably non-existent.  When a young man I had dated before I married came home from his mission and wanted to date me, I was feeling pretty good. Here was someone who would take on a divorcee and her two kids…and, bonus, he was a return missionary and active in the church. 

So six months after my divorce, I married again, this time the right way, in the temple. Lucky me.

I had been taught in primary, Sunday school, and young women’s the importance of a temple marriage and I truly wanted that for my young family. I felt like I was doing the right thing, I still think I did the right thing. But sometimes, despite our best efforts, things don’t work out as planned.
 

As it happened, I traded one form of abuse for another. Our home was not a happy place. When I think of that time in my life, it is very dark. I know the Holy Ghost did not reside in our home.
We were married for 13 years and we added two more children to our family. 

 I don’t need to give you any dirty details, but let me assure you that I know what it feels like to be so low that death would be a relief. The only thing that kept me going was my children, and ultimately, they, saved me. I was just about as far away from the woman I wanted to be as one can be.

One day I was watching tv and an ad came on for itt tech school. When my husband came home I told him I wanted to go back to school and get a degree. He mocked me and told me I was too stupid, and I couldn’t do it. That was the beginning of the end. I was so angry, that the next day I went to the school and enrolled in drafting.

I might not have thought my decision thru completely…drafting involves a lot of math….my high school math teacher counseled me more than once to avoid any career involving math…well, ooops.
Well, silly math teacher, turns out I’m pretty good at math. In fact I graduated second in my class and was the first student to be placed in a job. 

For the first time in many years I was looking up and forward.

My marriage ended several years later. It was very ugly. But we survived. The next two years are probably the sweetest time I spent with my children. We were poor as church mice, we lived in a shack, then with my folks, I worked full time and we played part time and we healed and grew together.

I know the Lord has perfect timing, and I have complete faith in his purpose. Thru a series of not so small miracles, I met and fell in love with my eternal companion, who, coincidentally, had been thru very similar circumstances. We had both committed to never marry, but the Lord loved us enough to bring us together when we both had our guard down. How grateful I am.

Bringing two families of teenagers together was difficult, to say the least, but now that the kids are grown, and we are enjoying the blessings of being grandparents, I can say , it has all been worth it. Life is good.

Would I willingly do it all over again to be where I am today?...Absolutely.

I have learned that My Heavenly Father loves me, and even when I feel I don’t deserve it, He blesses my life. I know he speaks to me through the scriptures and prayer, and no matter how dark life may seem, he has a greater purpose for us if we will trust in him. I know He answers prayers, but I also now we can’t “pray” someone else’s agency away. I have sincerely tried. We can only control our own thoughts and actions. I have a testimony of eternal marriage, by keeping our temple covenants, we can have real joy in our lives, and I suspect, the blessing in the next life are more than our mortal minds can comprehend.

Looking back on those dark days, when I was depressed, desperate and alone, I wish I had reached out and found help. Things have changed a little since I was a young married women. There are so many more resources. None of us have to be alone on this mortal journey, it is not a sin to be abused. We are each children of a loving Heavenly Father and abuse was never part of His plan. He loves and will never leave us alone. He will always send help.