Kristy - Journey with Depression

I am Kristy, and I'm a wife and mom of 2 little boys ages 4 and 2 and I have a daughter who is almost 8 who l put up for adoption when she was born. We have a good relationship with my daughter and her parents and I'm grateful for that.

I am an entrepreneur and have been running my own business for awhile which I love! I feel very fulfilled by working and I love being able to work and be a stay at home mom. It's the best of both worlds.

I'm very open about giving my daughter up for adoption, that's not a secret. But there are other things that I haven't been open about that I have let define me for long enough and I'm ready to share and not let define me anymore.

I've been really closed about my depression, and that's one of the main stories I want to share today.

My depression started when I was sexually assaulted at 17. We went to court and it was horrible. He was a big football player at the university I was going to and the team was headed to state. For me to accuse him of sexually assaulting me, I was the bad guy in this story. Everyone was like "How could you take this football player away from us, we're about to go to state." I lost a lot of friends and the whole school turned against me.

The worst moment was we were in court, he pleaded not guilty and as he walked out of court free with his pregnant wife he turned at laughed at me to my face.

I have let that define me for a long time because I've been afraid that everyone is going to laugh at me. It has hindered me as a mom, as a business owner and in a lot of things in my life.
I self medicated for about 10 years. And when that didn't work I turned to drugs for about 8 years. It was hard for me to be sober because when I was sober I would begin to feel....and I didn't want to feel anything.

I felt like God turned away from me.

My turning point was I found myself pregnant and unwed. I didn't want to be on that path anymore. When I became sober that's when my depression really started because I didn't have anything to hide the pain. I was now feeling everything.

I remember one night breaking down. I hadn't prayed in a really long time because I didn't feel worthy to pray. I thought God didn't want to hear from me because I had dealt with things so wrong and I wasn't a nice person. This night I told God that I couldn't do this and that I really needed help. That's when I realized that God was there for me and that He cares. I knew that I had gotten in a bad place but I knew He cares about me.

If I wasn't pregnant with her I don't know where I would be, I could have drank myself to death. She saved me.

After I decided to place her up for adoption that was closest I've ever felt to God.

 

 

My boss gave this picture to me. When I was trying to go back to church it was really hard for me. No only was I unwed and pregnant, but I had forgotten many things about church.
I would sit in Sunday school and feel stupid that I couldn't remember simple answers.

My boss at the time took time every Monday for 30 minutes to answer any questions I had from church the day before. He gave me this picture because he wanted me to remember that it doesn't matter where I am in life, it matters that that I'm trying and that God loves me what.

I had a counselor while I was pregnant who was amazing and helped me realize that there wasn't my fault, I wasn't a bad person, it was something horrible that happened to me. She also helped me realize that my depression was bad enough to need medication to help my brain work. That was so hard to accept. I don't like medicine. It still is hard for me to accept that I have to be on medication for the rest of my life, but I have tried living without it and it's not a good situation.

I gave Gracie up for adoption when I was 28 and I thought my life was over. I knew that I had done the right thing, but I thought "No one is going to want to marry me now" and my depression really got intense.

 

 One day I heard a man say he had heard a really funny joke and thought "I can't wait to pray tonight and tell it to Heavenly Father."

I thought that was really neat that he had that type of relationship with God and it made me realized that I didn't have that, but I wanted that type of relationship.

Ever since then I've tried really hard to build my relationship with God.

The message I would love to share with women is that God is still there. I really felt like He had abandoned me. Now I realized I had pushed Him away.

One thing that has really helped me is that every morning I pray "God use me." It gets me in a service mindset and helps me out of my depression.

 

 This is my husband. He is incredible!

He doesn't care about my past, and that's amazing for me. And it showed me that God loves me and that I still can have good things.

He is my biggest rock star. He can tell when I'm off, He knows when he needs to take more charge with the kids or give me my space. He knows that depression will always be in our life but that we can deal with it together. He is amazing and we've been married for 6 1/2 years.

This was a big day for me because we got married in the temple and I never thought that would ever happen.

 

 This is a picture of the first time I saw my baby girl after she was born, she was 3 months old. I keep this picture in my office and I love it because I was so happy in this picture. I knew it wasn't the end of my hard journey but I was so happy I had made it that far.

My sweet little boys are my heart and soul. They make me a better person and I love them so much.

 

 

I'm still on the journey of learning how to not let my past define me. Starting my own business was a huge step for me and having people see me was really scary. I was so afraid people were going to laugh in my face. But that hasn't been the case and it has helped me break out of this. I've learned that there are a ton of people who love me and want me to succeed.

Depression is still an everyday thing for me. I have to wake up every morning tell myself happy things so I can get through the day. Some days are worse then others. I have learned to allow myself to have bad days, and not feel guilty.

It's made me more compassionate and less judging of people because you never know what people are carrying around. It's made me really grateful to have family and loved ones around me.

I knew that I had gotten in a bad place, I had dealt with things wrong and when down a bad path but I knew that it doesn't have to define me. I'm still a mom, a wife, a daughter of God and I'm a lot of things that are really special, important and what should define me.

My depression is not who I am.